Journal Entry - July 18 - 28, 2025

 July 18 - 19, 2025 - I was a complete mess at this time and damn ugly the entire day. It started on the morning of July 18 at around 7 am when I get on this modernized jeepney on my way home from my shift. I encountered this odd couple - the guy seems like having a Tourette syndrome and the girl having skin condition which covered her entire face with someone reddish glow but looks like deep pimple holes all over her face. They are so sweet with each other, and I can feel a little envy then I remember my classmate back in college a beautiful but cute not so tall girl bur with glowing pretty face and long black slick hair who became a special friend to me. There's something mutual understanding between us back then but not that you can label it as an "official relationship". I know she admires me more than just friends but at that time I am not sure about what I feel because I am not ready to be in a committed relationship. I don't want to remember that ugly past again because I almost lost my life when I cut short a meaningful friendship that almost got me into a serious relationship but that was all. After that, I realized I am gay and vow to myself to just love a man my entire life. 

After I arrived home, I confess that ugly past in my mind and I said to myself whoever the guy who will woo me and be part of his life should confess and come clean and after that, things will go smoothly. Things go spiraling downward after that, that night I learned something and it really broke my heart, and I am a total wreck that night and my face is unreadable. During my lunch I just listen to music while eating to somehow ease the pain and went home in so much pain. I cried myself to sleep. The ugly mess carried through the night

July 20 - 21 2025 - My reversal of luck started this night when our TL Lloyd is around as well as AM Cholo, I got so lucky. I only got smooth easy calls all throughout my shift and not one call back or supervisor call with customer. I am just relieved and blessed this day after I heard the Sunday mass by Father Jerry Orbos on the 4 pm mass of July 20. God is really great and never taken me for granted or never forsaken me. He guided me throughout the day and the next and I am happy. 

July 25, 2025 - I was pissed again this Friday night and chaos broke in and my calls got ruined and I am disturbed and distracted. I am so furious and pissed this night I am sarcastic in my tone and into the early hours of Saturday July 26, the production floor seems like silent and quiet minding their own business. Not until few hours until my shift ends when I made an impossible possible. I did make my customer agree to apply for credit card that gives me an incentive / commission. I did not only one but two the last one being an hour before my shift end when someone beside me overheard my conversation, smiled back and it was delicious moment. BUT THEN... I forgot to leave my verification ID (vID) to the agent who I transferred the call to handle the Chase credit card application. I did a cold transfer instead of a WARM transfer!!!!!!!!!!! ughhh... I lost my two incentives.... nevertheless, I am just happy this day.. I sit in a cross-sitting position in my office chair rotating the chair in 180 degrees while taking calls. I feel like a monkey playing around but I know my heart is glowing and I know someone is watching me. 

July 27, 2025 - The day started normal, and I said to myself again if that someone I know is the one I saw last night having a ride with a girl I said God forgive me but never show your face ever again to me ever and don't show up to me and never see me ever again or even look at me. I am just poker face and apathetic because I don't want to lose the momentum of an ecstatic feeling. Later that night, that one show up smiling then I realized oh no I got the mistake I realized I was wrong, and I am really embarrassed, and I hide it. I am just shy but really wanted to show my feelings. I said in the past I am the one who made the effort to know the guy that I like only to end up disappointed and futile. So, I told myself whoever is really REALLY DAMN serious with me should be the one to make an effort with me so I can also have my moves on him I will also make an effort once he makes his NINJA MOVES! Before I am predictable but now, I just don't know what else I can do once I get closer to this guy. I remember the flirt does in my previous company maybe something like that or what me and my colleagues and good friends does during our shift we are naughty playing around touching my body and all maybe because I crave for love and affection that's why. But I can behave and be decent as well, I can adjust maybe some flirtations and somewhat cute, adorable, affectionate gestures before, during or after shifts. 

Journal Entry - June 23 - July 12, 2025

June 21 - Saturday it's our day off perfect because we were compensated the other day. I just need to buy some pants since I only use two pants every week alternating and then wash them on day offs. I arrived home at around 7:30 am from my work training then proceed to sleep to take a rest for awhile. I woke up at around 11 am and immediately rush to take a bath and go to the city. I arrived in the city at past one in the afternoon and ride once again going to downtown city proper where I can buy affordable goods and I was met with streets of many people buying stuffs. I went to a particular store and bought two pants, a pair of sandals and a pair of flip flops since the last flip flops I used at home broke few weeks ago I need a replacement. I went to the mall to take lunch, have halu halo I missed so much as dessert,  have a massage, bought a liter of buko shake, bought phone call and text regular load and other things and also cashew nuts and at almost 5 pm rode a taxi going to the modern district shopping centre to have some groceries. I finished grocery at almost 7 pm and walk towards the transport terminal. The jeep that was on standby after I arrived was already full with only a few left in the middle. I was having doubts of riding or not or just wait for the next available jeepney. Since some commuters doesn't want to ride since it's already almost full despite some few spaces left in the middle. I decided to just sit and wait for the next available jeepney. It took several minutes for the jeepney to leave. We waited for several minutes more until one jeepney arrives. It is an average jeepney in color grey with a stripe of color yellow green. I immediately went up to the driver's seat to occupy it so no one can disturb me just went I about to sit I look at the driver and that's when I stopped breathing, my heart pumping a bit faster and that's when I feel spark. I clearly remember him from a year ago I ride as well in the driver's seat looking at his gentle face and his kindness and makes my heart jumps out for him I instantly swoon over him. He stands at around 5'6" or 5'7" in height, fair complexion, average looking and a bit chubby simple appearance but he appeals so much to me. He seems like a huge magnet attracting and pulling me towards him. I remember a year ago when I sat beside him (it's also night time) I can't understand why I got infatuated instantly by him and the silly Cupid hit an arrow to my heart and that night I cannot stop myself thinking about him, about his looks, his face, his demeanor, the moment I sit beside him and all about him and all I can do is pray that I will see him again. At that time I really wanted to be with him to be his partner. I think I've fallen in love with him already. Then days passed and I forgot him not until the following year this day when we meet again my feeling towards him renewed once again. I have so many different emotions once I saw and meet him once again. I want to touch him, to hug him, to kiss him and sleep with him but I could not do that all at once hoping someday if we are really meant for each other. I sat there for a good whole hour only realizing that this is the last trip of the day of the jeepney plying towards our town. I sat there and a lady left her donuts there reserving the seat beside me. The chubby driver who took my heart was away taking a rest from driving and after almost 45 minutes he came to the front and check on the engines of the jeepney to see if its functioning. I cannot stop myself staring at him. Then after almost an hour at the transport terminal since the jeepney is almost full he drove off. I was smiling and very very happy all throughout the ride, there are times when we touch hands and sometimes I try to sleep but I can't so I just look ahead on the streets while making some side glances but one time I cannot help myself but touch him I squeeze his hands holding the clutch and we look at each other quizzically. There is a time that I wanted to lay my head on his shoulder. There is also another time that I wanted to kiss him on the cheeks but I could not do that since there are passengers behind  us and beside me looking as well on the front. He always touches the rosary hanging on the crystal glass in front each time we make some connection signals like looking at each other, touching. When I am almost home, I saw him looking at me almost teary eyed that's when I am also almost near tears. When I got off the jeep, I look at him one last time and saw his face sunken a bit. I hope we could meet again soon so we can talk things up between us.

June 24 - I took notice awhile ago some guys frequently in my sights even during our training from May to June 2025 some from newer batches of trainees some are tenured but did not pay much attention to it but only until recently I felt some sparks and connection around some individuals and became curious about them. Some have masked, bald head, preppy old school look and white, some wearing boots all the time, some have curly hairs.

June 29 - The start of our certification doing live calls. We sit near the front door. After an hour, I notice this chubby long haired guy walking toward his cubicle workstation. He is flipping his wet hair down. He sits some few spaces or workstation across my back. After some few calls, I saw him leaning on his back in the chair stairing at me seductively like a girl with his hair down hanging in the chair and his hand on his neck. I quickly look back at my workstation desktop PC because I was quite nervous at what I saw on him and also disbelief at what I saw. I thought he is just exaggerating himself and faking it just to fool me around baka niloloko lang ako ng taong dahil nagbabae baehan he looks feminine and effeminate at that time. But in reality and all honesty, I love what I saw and I love it when individuals are being themselves being true to themselves. Gustung gusto ko yung tao na nagpapakatotoo sa sarili at hindi niya kailangang baguhin ang sarili niya or ang personalidad or karakter na gusto niyang ipakita sa ibang tao para lang ma please niya ang mga ito. Gusto ko ang tunay na tao na nagpapakatotoo. He thought he displeased me after my initial reaction that he man bun his hair after minutes later then just focus on his desktop PC all throughout our shift.

July 4, 2025 - I felt some signs of an early flu and body heat during my time inside the production floor doing live calls. I got scolded by a crying customer asking help for her unaccompanied minor alone at the airport, got reprimanded and humiliated by a training manager. All these stacked up to make me really unwell on this night. I just take over the counter medicines for flu like Decolgen and Bioflu to help prevent me from having a fever and keep going to work but the flu with bloody mucus did not stop until some days later when it totally gives way to fever.

July 9, 2025 - Only a week after we started our live calls I incurred my first absent on this job since I started last May 16, 2025. I got sick with flu and fever and weak body